I’m reading Rick Steve’s book “Travel as a Political Act.” It talks about being intentional about your travel, and not just staying on the tourist track, but getting to know the country and the people, and understanding their story.
You may wonder “what does this have to do with raising children?” and I will answer “a great deal!”
When I was young, my family traveled a great deal. We spent a month or so in Mexico City with my Great-aunt Clovee and Great-uncle Pepe, we lived in Bolivia for what was supposed to be 2-3 years, and ended up being around 4 months when I was 6, and then we just traveled all over the US, too.
You may think that traveling with young children doesn’t leave impressions, but I can assure you, it does. I have very vivid memories of our months in Bolivia- memories that stayed with me all these years. They included me realizing at that very young age that not the entire world has all the things we take for granted- hot water didn’t come out of the faucet, you heated it on the stove. The rest of my family took “bird baths”, but I was small enough that I fit in the kitchen sink, so I got to take actual baths in hot water. THAT was a luxury, for sure.
I remember going to the market with my Mom- no HEB’s there- it was an open air market. I still remember the shop owners shooing away the flies that covered the meat, to show us how “pretty” their meat was. We stuck to slaughtering our own chickens and ducks while we were there, thank you very much. I saw homeless people for the first time, and asked my Mom why they had all their stuff with them. Homelessness, 50 years ago, was something very strange to this little girl. I remember Pogie, the native man who ran the little store around the corner from us- where we’d go get tapioca for Mom to make pudding for us. He used to take us riding in his jeep- quite a treat! The “servant class” all spoke Portuguese, the “upper class” Bolivians spoke Spanish, and our English speaking friends were British, so I came home speaking a mixture of Spanish, Portuguese & British English, which was very confusing to my very small Southeast Texas hometown, and put me in for a lot of teasing.
In Mexico, my relatives were from a wealthy and old well-connected Spanish family. They lived in a beautiful home, which, as I recall, was more of an “apartment style”- as in several stories- on one of the “best” streets in Mexico City- right in the heart of the city. It wasn’t polluted then, and we’d go walking to area parks and shopping. We went to bullfights then (honestly, I never thought about the bulls being killed, I saw the beauty of the ballet of the bullfighters,) we went to the pyramids- climbing past frightening gargoyles on the way up to the top, we went to their ranch in the mountains, we experienced what “upper class” families in Mexico experienced then- lots of servants to do all the work, no dangers to us, just wonderful experience after wonderful experience. I loved sitting in the kitchen at Aunt Clovee’s, listening to the cooks working to prepare our food. They’d often try to give me “American food”- spaghetti, hamburgers, etc., but I never wanted that. I wanted what they had. She had one woman who came in each morning just to make tortillas- I can still hear her pat-pat-patting them out.
In Guatemala, as an adult, I’ve stayed in top tier & middle of the line hotels, a “middle class” home, and “pensions”- with nothing but a corrugated fiberglass roof overhead. The "middle class" home was more what we’d consider poverty level here- the shower had a bare electric wire that connected it to hot water (lukewarm was actually more the order of the day, but no way was I touching that bare wire!) Tourists can’t drink the water out of the faucets, and can’t put toilet paper in the toilets, but there are servants to do everything. I remember one friend of mine there saying she almost divorced her husband because when he took her to their newly bought mountain home he expected her to cook, as there were no servants. She was insulted beyond believe that he thought she should cook and clean! Different cultures have different values, for sure, and it is helpful if we understand them.
These impressions have stayed with me all my life. I understand that most of the world does not have all that we think are “necessities” and that we do take more than a “fair share” of the world’s resources and it bothers me.
As an adult, I’ve traveled to Hong Kong, Bangkok, Singapore, Switzerland, France, Austria, England and Guatemala, Canada. Mexico has been out of bounds for years due to the drug traffic. As a young adult, we did go to the Mexico border areas and went over for dinner & shopping and had a great time. Now I wouldn’t even consider going close to the border, and, sadly, I believe we’ve “helped” that situation happen.
Our country’s hunger for drugs and our (what I believe is stupid) “war on drugs” have fed a multibillion dollar industry, and our gun laws have allowed thousands of guns to be smuggled into Mexico to aid in the violence.
“Travel as a Political Act” talks about going into a country and getting to know the people, so that you understand why the country does what it does. For example, on drugs, much of Europe treats it has as health problem, not a criminal one. They make it so that people can get safer drugs, clean needles, and help. They return many to productive lives by not criminalizing it. Don’t get me wrong, I hate drugs, but I also hate what our drug hunger has done too much of Central America. They’re just being good capitalists- there is a “need”, they’re fulfilling the “need” and making the sale-a basic retail standard. Much of Europe takes a different tack, and their drug use is considerably lower than ours. Prohibition just enriched the mobsters and got people murdered, and the “war on drugs” is doing the same, but at a much more violent pace.
Knowing how the US interfered in Central America (and much of the world) gives you a better understanding of why there are people worldwide who hate our government-not usually us as individuals, but they do often hate our government. This isn’t a “Republican” or “Democratic” issue- our government has interfered with other governments world-wide for years- it is all about our interests and the heck with being “our brothers’ keeper” or worrying about “the least of these.” Yes, we send foreign aid- less than 1% of our budget is foreign aid, however, and it is usually tied to make sure their government does what we want.
The US has not been a good neighbor to most of the world. We like to talk about “compassion” and our noble goals, and if we actually lived it, there would be no hungry people in this world. We could take a small percentage of our military budget and feed everyone in the world, but we don’t.
Right now, we fight because we want other people’s resources- their oil, their gas, their land (in the case of Central America.)Imagine what the wars over water will look like- we want oil, we want gas, but we can’t live without water, yet we continue to waste it, assuming we’ll get it from “somewhere.” We look at the world and see it through the eyes of “we want” rather than, realizing that we can all have enough if we will just believe it.
In Sunday School, we’re studying “Journey to the Common Good” which exams our lives today through the lens of some scriptures in the Old Testament. It says that we’re fed the propaganda of “scarcity”, when we need to understand that God provides enough for all. One of the stories was about the manna that the Israelites got while wandering through the dessert with Moses. Those who gathered more than they needed for that 1 day had their excess turn to mush. Those who gathered too little had actually enough when they looked. It was about trusting God, or, for those who don’t believe in God, about simply understanding that he who dies with the most toys doesn’t win. When will we all understand it?
An author I admire is James Michener. He said that once he became successful, his accountants wanted him to “tax shelter” his money. He told them “no” because he said that he owed all he made to having the luck to haven born in the USA. He was a “foundling”- found and adopted by the Michener family. He went to public schools, funded by taxes. He was in the military and then went to college, funded by the GI bill, which was funded by taxes. Malcolm Forbes says basically the same thing. His talent is making money from money, and in the US, you can make a very good living from that. Had he been born into a hunter-gatherer society, he would have starved to death, as he is not a good shot, nor is he fast, but he had the luck to be born here, so he believes that he owes taxes to the US as a “thank you” for being here. Wouldn’t it be nice if all rich people in the US understood that and were as thankful? Had they been born into another country, they may not have had the opportunities they have here, yet, instead of being grateful for all they have received from this country, they gripe about taxes and scheme to pay less and less. I hate those “tax free” shopping days in August every year, and won’t shop them. Those taxes that aren’t gathered mean that money isn’t there for our public services. You can get better sales at other times of the year- 20-50% off if you shop carefully, instead of 8.25% off!
OK, I’ve strayed a bit here, but I think that understanding about the rest of the world helps us to have more clarity about what our country is doing. While our “stock” had gone up world-wide with our current President, we’re still killing innocents in our wars. What if, instead of spending $12 billion a MONTH on war, for one year, we spent that on getting food to people who are starving, providing easy clean water access, teaching people to grow food (farming & ranching,) schools, medical care. I believe it would be a lot harder to get folks who want to murder us when they see their villages being built up instead of bombed down. When they see their mothers, wives and sisters not dying in childbirth, when their children don’t die because they can’t afford 85 cents for medicine, do you really think they’ll want to kill us?
Please, read “Three Cups of Tea”, read “Travel as a Political Act”, read “Journey to the Common Good.” Work to understand that we need for our children to understand that we live or die together on this world, that we can’t continue to take from the weaker and not weaken ourselves.
Margaret Mead said “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” I believe that we CAN make change- parents, especially mothers, should be leading the parade on this. It is our children’s futures we’re making right now. Do we want a world of constant war, or do we prefer one where we understand there is enough for all? I don’t know that there is much in between. Constant war and war profiteering is not the best option for children and other living things.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
2011- changes or more of the same?
Now we're in 2011- will it be the same as last, or will we work to make the changes that are in our control to make? Controlling spending, temper and weight are all goals of mine.
We had a very modest Christmas. We’d explained to our daughter that money was tight and there wouldn’t be any “big” (expensive) gifts this year. We bought books primarily, because she loves to read. Between the books we gave her and what Santa gave her, she was very happy. Santa also brought “Apples to Apples”, the Jr. version, and we have had a great deal of fun with that. (I highly recommend board games with children, especially those that teach in a fun way.) Some board games are mind-numbing for adults- don’t get those- get the ones that are fun for everyone and you’re more likely to play them. Apples to Apples expands vocabulary, by teaching words that are similar to a particular word, but in a very fun way. If your child already has a pretty good vocabulary, Boggle is another very fun game. Lettie reads so much & has a good vocabulary, so we’ve been playing this for the past 3 years or so with her. We’ve modeled how to learn by writing down the words we don’t’ “get” next to the words we saw in a particular Boggle board. I’ve told her that way I will be more likely to see them on future Boggle boards. One thing I really like about Boggle is that it teaches us to look at things in different ways. If you don’t know the game, it is a small box with small cubes that have a different letter on each side. You close up the box, shake it and then let the cubes fall into “slots” so that only 1 letter is showing on each one. The object is to make as many words as you can from what is showing. They have to be adjacent letters, but can be straight, diagonal, or even zigzagged. This is a game that can be played by 1 to as many people as can see the little Boggle box and is lots of fun. These are great games to play at night after supper when it is too dark to be outside. It is great family time, and if you have “game night”, I’ll be willing to bet your kids won’t be begging for TV instead (especially if they’re younger.) Older children get more competitive and like to try to beat their parents. That’s OK, just remind them it is about having fun.
Other ways of bonding is reading together. That can take the form of reading one book out loud, maybe taking turns reading chapters or pages, or even everyone sitting down and reading their own book silently. This is another good after dinner activity that takes the place of TV. Our daughter loves it when we all 3 sit down and read a book together.
As you know, I’m a big advocate of being outside, but right now, for our family, outside is not friendly to us. We all suffer from a “cedar” fever, so we try to stay inside other than in early morning or after a rain when the pollen has been knocked down. This is not my favorite time of year. This can blow up all sorts of New Year’s resolutions, but there are ways to exercise as a family while avoiding the “cedar” pollen. Dancing is fun- put on some old rock & roll records and dance to your heart’s delight. Our daughter loves to do “freestyle” dancing to “The Nutcracker.” If you belong to a gym, you can go work out there, but beware of the kids’ area. Our gym (LifeTime) for some inexplicable reason has a whole bank of computers, and every time I go I see children sitting there, mesmerized, playing on computers instead of playing with each other. I tell the childcare workers there that our daughter is not allowed screen time and is not to go into the computer area at all. They put a red dot on her nametag so that they can remember.:)
Afterwards, if the indoor pool is open, we can both go swimming in there, great exercise, and it keeps her swimming skills up for the summer.
I can hardly wait for March, when spring arrives and the “cedar” pollen goes away. Of course, we have other pollens then, but we’re not as allergic to them, and while we may sneeze, at least we don’t have such itchy eyes and running noses that make you want to amputate them!
My weight has gotten out of hand, so I’m back to Weight Watchers this month. I downloaded some very good sounding WW breakfast recipes, and we’ll be using them, as well as WW recipes at night. Our daughter has no idea they’re “weight loss” recipes, but some of her favorites are indeed WW. They’re healthy, have lots of vegetables in them, and are very, very tasty. Particular favorites of ours (and our daughter’s) are the hot Reuben sandwich and Shepherd’s Pie. We had Shepherd’s Pie last week and Reuben’s are on screen for tonight (if hubby will stop by store on way home for cabbage- I forgot to pick that up and don’t want to waste the gas on a single item trip.:)
Here’s to a healthier and tighter-knit family 2011 for us all!
We had a very modest Christmas. We’d explained to our daughter that money was tight and there wouldn’t be any “big” (expensive) gifts this year. We bought books primarily, because she loves to read. Between the books we gave her and what Santa gave her, she was very happy. Santa also brought “Apples to Apples”, the Jr. version, and we have had a great deal of fun with that. (I highly recommend board games with children, especially those that teach in a fun way.) Some board games are mind-numbing for adults- don’t get those- get the ones that are fun for everyone and you’re more likely to play them. Apples to Apples expands vocabulary, by teaching words that are similar to a particular word, but in a very fun way. If your child already has a pretty good vocabulary, Boggle is another very fun game. Lettie reads so much & has a good vocabulary, so we’ve been playing this for the past 3 years or so with her. We’ve modeled how to learn by writing down the words we don’t’ “get” next to the words we saw in a particular Boggle board. I’ve told her that way I will be more likely to see them on future Boggle boards. One thing I really like about Boggle is that it teaches us to look at things in different ways. If you don’t know the game, it is a small box with small cubes that have a different letter on each side. You close up the box, shake it and then let the cubes fall into “slots” so that only 1 letter is showing on each one. The object is to make as many words as you can from what is showing. They have to be adjacent letters, but can be straight, diagonal, or even zigzagged. This is a game that can be played by 1 to as many people as can see the little Boggle box and is lots of fun. These are great games to play at night after supper when it is too dark to be outside. It is great family time, and if you have “game night”, I’ll be willing to bet your kids won’t be begging for TV instead (especially if they’re younger.) Older children get more competitive and like to try to beat their parents. That’s OK, just remind them it is about having fun.
Other ways of bonding is reading together. That can take the form of reading one book out loud, maybe taking turns reading chapters or pages, or even everyone sitting down and reading their own book silently. This is another good after dinner activity that takes the place of TV. Our daughter loves it when we all 3 sit down and read a book together.
As you know, I’m a big advocate of being outside, but right now, for our family, outside is not friendly to us. We all suffer from a “cedar” fever, so we try to stay inside other than in early morning or after a rain when the pollen has been knocked down. This is not my favorite time of year. This can blow up all sorts of New Year’s resolutions, but there are ways to exercise as a family while avoiding the “cedar” pollen. Dancing is fun- put on some old rock & roll records and dance to your heart’s delight. Our daughter loves to do “freestyle” dancing to “The Nutcracker.” If you belong to a gym, you can go work out there, but beware of the kids’ area. Our gym (LifeTime) for some inexplicable reason has a whole bank of computers, and every time I go I see children sitting there, mesmerized, playing on computers instead of playing with each other. I tell the childcare workers there that our daughter is not allowed screen time and is not to go into the computer area at all. They put a red dot on her nametag so that they can remember.:)
Afterwards, if the indoor pool is open, we can both go swimming in there, great exercise, and it keeps her swimming skills up for the summer.
I can hardly wait for March, when spring arrives and the “cedar” pollen goes away. Of course, we have other pollens then, but we’re not as allergic to them, and while we may sneeze, at least we don’t have such itchy eyes and running noses that make you want to amputate them!
My weight has gotten out of hand, so I’m back to Weight Watchers this month. I downloaded some very good sounding WW breakfast recipes, and we’ll be using them, as well as WW recipes at night. Our daughter has no idea they’re “weight loss” recipes, but some of her favorites are indeed WW. They’re healthy, have lots of vegetables in them, and are very, very tasty. Particular favorites of ours (and our daughter’s) are the hot Reuben sandwich and Shepherd’s Pie. We had Shepherd’s Pie last week and Reuben’s are on screen for tonight (if hubby will stop by store on way home for cabbage- I forgot to pick that up and don’t want to waste the gas on a single item trip.:)
Here’s to a healthier and tighter-knit family 2011 for us all!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Kids & outdoors
Yesterday in the paper and today on NPR, they were talking about how children aren't spending enough time outside. There are many downsides to this- for instance, rickets is actually making a comeback, children don't value the environment when they it isn't a part of their every day lives, children spend more and more time in front of TVs, computers and gaming systems, getting more and more obese. Texas has a very bad problem with obesity, and my county is projected to have an over 700% increase in diabetes by 2040!
So, how do we get our kids outside more? When I was growing up, in the summer, we left the house in the morning, played in the neighborhood all day and came back for meals. In most neighborhoods, that isn't doable anymore. However, we can still turn off the TV and shut down all "screen time" and send the kids outside. If you've got a yard of any size, they can play in it. Put out some pieces of wood, have a little sandbox, give them pieces of chiffon bought on sale and let them play! Our children are also losing out on imagination, and that comes largely from playing "pretend" and reading wonderful books. If you do nothing more that put out a comfy chair under a tree outside for them to sit & read, at least they're outside.
I sometimes hear parents lamenting that they "can't" get their kids away from the TV, computer, games, whatever. Sure you can- you just tell them to turn it off! Then send them outside to play. Our daughter would be delighted to be a couch potato, but she knows that there is no screen time during the week, and on weekends, it is very limited, and only if she's done her chores to "earn" her screen time. Given the option of sitting in front of a TV or taking a "nature hike" with her Daddy, I think she'd take the nature hike any day of the week. (It helped in our home from our daughter's standpoint that our First Lady says that their children do not get screen time during the week-Lettie "gets it" that we're not being "mean", but that it is something we do because we care. It doesn't mean she always likes it, but she knows it is how our family operates.)
We're fortunate to live in rural setting, with neighbors who don't mind us crossing fence lines to go down to the creek, and it is fun to walk and see what you can see. We've got deer, and sometimes foxes and turkeys around. We've got chickens to put up at night and let out in the morning, a pony to feed & groom (and tell to whom to tell secrets) and dogs & a cat to play with. While I don't think she spends quite as much time outside as I did as a child, she does spend quite a bit.
Her school is another place where outdoor time is valued. Instead of having to go sit on the floor in the cafeteria before school as she did when she went to public Kindergarten & stand quietly in a line after school, she and her friends play outside (in just about all weather) before and after school. Usually there is a kickball game going on when I go to pick her up in the afternoons. They have 2 recesses, and they do things like jump rope when memorizing their "times" tables. They have imaginative play at school as well. They're encouraged to be outside. When it is raining, they've got raincoats and boots, and when it is cold, they've got coats, gloves and hats. It is certainly easier with 4 students as opposed to 800 for sure, but none the less, the Steiner influence on our daughter's school is a good one- it puts being part of nature as an important part of education.
On the report on NPR today, a group who is concerned about this lack of connection to the earth is encouraging new schools to be built with "outdoor spaces" that can be used as classrooms and gardens. I think it is a great idea, and hope it goes over in Texas. I'm not overly optimistic, however, because our local principal told me that every time a new (and often good) idea comes their way, the first question asked is "how does it help us with the TAKS test?" Is that REALLY how we want our children's education measured, not by whether we're educating well-rounded caring citizens, but by how everything they learn helps them do well on a test? I don't blame the principal, but I do blame the Legislature & Congress, and yes, parents. If parents demanded going back to actually educating instead of basically training to take tests, the Legislature & Congress would have to listen. I have teacher friends who say they love it once the TAKS are over and they can finally actually TEACH for the few remaining weeks of school. That is a crying shame. It is a reason that some of us homeschool or use other private school models. I wish for all children to have the connection to the environment that my child is getting. It is good for her, and it is good for our community.
So, how do we get our kids outside more? When I was growing up, in the summer, we left the house in the morning, played in the neighborhood all day and came back for meals. In most neighborhoods, that isn't doable anymore. However, we can still turn off the TV and shut down all "screen time" and send the kids outside. If you've got a yard of any size, they can play in it. Put out some pieces of wood, have a little sandbox, give them pieces of chiffon bought on sale and let them play! Our children are also losing out on imagination, and that comes largely from playing "pretend" and reading wonderful books. If you do nothing more that put out a comfy chair under a tree outside for them to sit & read, at least they're outside.
I sometimes hear parents lamenting that they "can't" get their kids away from the TV, computer, games, whatever. Sure you can- you just tell them to turn it off! Then send them outside to play. Our daughter would be delighted to be a couch potato, but she knows that there is no screen time during the week, and on weekends, it is very limited, and only if she's done her chores to "earn" her screen time. Given the option of sitting in front of a TV or taking a "nature hike" with her Daddy, I think she'd take the nature hike any day of the week. (It helped in our home from our daughter's standpoint that our First Lady says that their children do not get screen time during the week-Lettie "gets it" that we're not being "mean", but that it is something we do because we care. It doesn't mean she always likes it, but she knows it is how our family operates.)
We're fortunate to live in rural setting, with neighbors who don't mind us crossing fence lines to go down to the creek, and it is fun to walk and see what you can see. We've got deer, and sometimes foxes and turkeys around. We've got chickens to put up at night and let out in the morning, a pony to feed & groom (and tell to whom to tell secrets) and dogs & a cat to play with. While I don't think she spends quite as much time outside as I did as a child, she does spend quite a bit.
Her school is another place where outdoor time is valued. Instead of having to go sit on the floor in the cafeteria before school as she did when she went to public Kindergarten & stand quietly in a line after school, she and her friends play outside (in just about all weather) before and after school. Usually there is a kickball game going on when I go to pick her up in the afternoons. They have 2 recesses, and they do things like jump rope when memorizing their "times" tables. They have imaginative play at school as well. They're encouraged to be outside. When it is raining, they've got raincoats and boots, and when it is cold, they've got coats, gloves and hats. It is certainly easier with 4 students as opposed to 800 for sure, but none the less, the Steiner influence on our daughter's school is a good one- it puts being part of nature as an important part of education.
On the report on NPR today, a group who is concerned about this lack of connection to the earth is encouraging new schools to be built with "outdoor spaces" that can be used as classrooms and gardens. I think it is a great idea, and hope it goes over in Texas. I'm not overly optimistic, however, because our local principal told me that every time a new (and often good) idea comes their way, the first question asked is "how does it help us with the TAKS test?" Is that REALLY how we want our children's education measured, not by whether we're educating well-rounded caring citizens, but by how everything they learn helps them do well on a test? I don't blame the principal, but I do blame the Legislature & Congress, and yes, parents. If parents demanded going back to actually educating instead of basically training to take tests, the Legislature & Congress would have to listen. I have teacher friends who say they love it once the TAKS are over and they can finally actually TEACH for the few remaining weeks of school. That is a crying shame. It is a reason that some of us homeschool or use other private school models. I wish for all children to have the connection to the environment that my child is getting. It is good for her, and it is good for our community.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Giving to others
Lettie wrote her letter to Santa last week. Her letters aren't at all like what I wrote at her age ("I want, I want, I want.") Two years ago, she asked for a pkg. of dental floss (and I don't mean a bikini!)- honestly, that is all that she asked for!
This year, she asked for the movie "UP" and some "fake jewelry" and then asked Santa to take any toys he was thinking about giving to her and giving them to children in Guatemala. She went on to tell him that she hopes to be a teacher in Guatemala when she is grown, teaching English to children there. Can she really be this emotionally mature at 8? Is this the same little girl who is (right now) wearing a sparkly ballerina skirt, pink striped shirt, and pink satin high heels (bought at a garage sale with great glee) and a crown and who was wildly dancing to the "Scottish Christmas" CD earlier this evening?
It is times like this that I think we must be doing something right, (but then she'll have a melt-down and I wonder what we're doing wrong.:)
Christmas is such a hard time for so many, especially this year, with money in such short supply. It is an opportunity to make gifts that have real meaning, though. Lettie likes nothing so much as having both parents at home, playing board games or gathered around the piano singing Christmas carols as she plays them. The gift of our time is something very precious to her, and I'm thinking some coupons for having us both at home together to spend an evening playing with her will be a nice gift. We wouldn't be buying the latest toy even if we could afford it, and what she really wants can't be bought with even the finest gold.
This year, talk to your kids about foregoing at least 1 toy, and giving that money to those less fortunate than you. In the U.S., even our poor have so much more than so many around the world.
There are many great charities- some we particularly like are kiva.org (microloans all over the world), mayanfamilies.org, hands-of-hope.com and the feeding centers in Chiquimula, Guatemala, for which we raised almost $2,000 this past month, http://www.guatemalamission.org/feedingcenters.htm
Instead of being upset that we can't get the latest "X", let's be thankful that we have so many blessings and have, in relation to so much of the world, have so much.
Instead of getting that sweater that your sister-in-law may hate, make a donation in her honor to a charity. None of us need more stuff, yet these groups I listed do work with people who are truly trying to find some bootstraps so that they can pull themselves up.
At the Austin table of the Pan American Round Table today, I led the "collect", which says in part "teach us that through knowledge, we gain understanding, and that understanding leads to friendship and through friendship comes peace." Maybe the knowledge that other parts of the world don't have nearly what all we have will help us to understand in some small way the needs in those countries, and we can help them in our own ways. I always love the quote from Mother Theresa that "we can't all do great things, but we CAN all do small things with great love."
This year, she asked for the movie "UP" and some "fake jewelry" and then asked Santa to take any toys he was thinking about giving to her and giving them to children in Guatemala. She went on to tell him that she hopes to be a teacher in Guatemala when she is grown, teaching English to children there. Can she really be this emotionally mature at 8? Is this the same little girl who is (right now) wearing a sparkly ballerina skirt, pink striped shirt, and pink satin high heels (bought at a garage sale with great glee) and a crown and who was wildly dancing to the "Scottish Christmas" CD earlier this evening?
It is times like this that I think we must be doing something right, (but then she'll have a melt-down and I wonder what we're doing wrong.:)
Christmas is such a hard time for so many, especially this year, with money in such short supply. It is an opportunity to make gifts that have real meaning, though. Lettie likes nothing so much as having both parents at home, playing board games or gathered around the piano singing Christmas carols as she plays them. The gift of our time is something very precious to her, and I'm thinking some coupons for having us both at home together to spend an evening playing with her will be a nice gift. We wouldn't be buying the latest toy even if we could afford it, and what she really wants can't be bought with even the finest gold.
This year, talk to your kids about foregoing at least 1 toy, and giving that money to those less fortunate than you. In the U.S., even our poor have so much more than so many around the world.
There are many great charities- some we particularly like are kiva.org (microloans all over the world), mayanfamilies.org, hands-of-hope.com and the feeding centers in Chiquimula, Guatemala, for which we raised almost $2,000 this past month, http://www.guatemalamission.org/feedingcenters.htm
Instead of being upset that we can't get the latest "X", let's be thankful that we have so many blessings and have, in relation to so much of the world, have so much.
Instead of getting that sweater that your sister-in-law may hate, make a donation in her honor to a charity. None of us need more stuff, yet these groups I listed do work with people who are truly trying to find some bootstraps so that they can pull themselves up.
At the Austin table of the Pan American Round Table today, I led the "collect", which says in part "teach us that through knowledge, we gain understanding, and that understanding leads to friendship and through friendship comes peace." Maybe the knowledge that other parts of the world don't have nearly what all we have will help us to understand in some small way the needs in those countries, and we can help them in our own ways. I always love the quote from Mother Theresa that "we can't all do great things, but we CAN all do small things with great love."
Monday, November 16, 2009
"Unplugging the Christmas Machine"
OK, so I lifted the title- we've got a Sunday School Class for PWYC (Parents with Young Children) at church,and we're dicussiing this very thing these next few weeks. Our intrepid leader, Nikki, has a book by the title above. Sunday, we talked about what kids REALLY want for Christmas. (Hint- it isn't the latest expensive toy!) According to the author, what they want is a relaxing Christmas, time with family, traditions and I can't remember the other one. Nikki gave us "homework"- to talk to our chidlren and ask them what they like best about how we do Christmas in our home.
The previous week, we'd talked about what WE liked best about our Christmas, what we didn't like and what we positively HAD to change. For me, what I most like is our tradition of Christmas morning: Mark calls to us that Santa has come- (he has lit a fire in the fireplace by the time he announces Santa.) Then we rush into the living room. Our stockings are placed carefully around the room, with all the goodies that Santa brings. We "have" our stockings, then some friends come over for breakfast, followed by the annual watching of Chicken Run- really! I JUST love it- what a great movie to start out our Christmas day- it shows the building of character, sticking together in friendship and perserverence, and it is outrageously funny. After that, how can you be stressed? Of course, I do sometime worry that we're giving our Christmas International House students a bit of a warped outlook on American Christmas, but since everyone is happy, what the heck! I just hope they don't expect Chicken Run the next time they participate in CIH.:)
Anyway, Nikki said to ask our kids what they like best- we couldn't lead them on, just ask outright "what do you like best about our Christmas?" We did, and to our delight, she said "breakfast with our friends and watching Chicken Run." We've done this every year since we moved here in 2000, which is when Chicken Run came out.
It really isn't about toys or how much we spend, it is about spending time with friends and family, sitting, laughing, and relaxed. There aren't many times that I think I can pat myself on the back for parenting, but I think we're doing this one right.:)
The previous week, we'd talked about what WE liked best about our Christmas, what we didn't like and what we positively HAD to change. For me, what I most like is our tradition of Christmas morning: Mark calls to us that Santa has come- (he has lit a fire in the fireplace by the time he announces Santa.) Then we rush into the living room. Our stockings are placed carefully around the room, with all the goodies that Santa brings. We "have" our stockings, then some friends come over for breakfast, followed by the annual watching of Chicken Run- really! I JUST love it- what a great movie to start out our Christmas day- it shows the building of character, sticking together in friendship and perserverence, and it is outrageously funny. After that, how can you be stressed? Of course, I do sometime worry that we're giving our Christmas International House students a bit of a warped outlook on American Christmas, but since everyone is happy, what the heck! I just hope they don't expect Chicken Run the next time they participate in CIH.:)
Anyway, Nikki said to ask our kids what they like best- we couldn't lead them on, just ask outright "what do you like best about our Christmas?" We did, and to our delight, she said "breakfast with our friends and watching Chicken Run." We've done this every year since we moved here in 2000, which is when Chicken Run came out.
It really isn't about toys or how much we spend, it is about spending time with friends and family, sitting, laughing, and relaxed. There aren't many times that I think I can pat myself on the back for parenting, but I think we're doing this one right.:)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Thanksgiving Traditions
What are your Thanksgiving traditions? What did you do as a child that you wish you could do now?
This holiday that is one of our most family centered one is coming up and the stress levels are building. How do you make it “perfect?” CAN you make it “perfect?” WHY try to make it “perfect?”
As a child, we’d get up, pile into the car and go to Grandma’s house over in Merryville, LA. It was about an 1 ½ drive, but we knew how much fun we’d have- cousins galore to play with, chickens to chase, and it was something we looked forward to.
Grandma’s house was the same house my Mom grew up in- 3 bedrooms- one was their parent’s, one was the boys’ rooms and one was the girls’ rooms (a total of 10 kids from 4 different “eras”- Grandpa Bean was married, had Uncle John Dee. His wife died, he married Grandma, and they had Momma and Uncle Jim. He died in 1919 of pneumonia, she married Grandpa Riggs. He’d been married before and had 3 kids, Uncle Tommy, Aunt Alice and Uncle Bob, and then Curry and Grandpa Riggs had Aunt Elaine, Aunt Atch, Aunt Penny, Uncle Charles & Aunt Linda, so the bedrooms looked more like dorms than our little bedrooms in our home in Woodville.:)
You can imagine, with so many kids, we had many cousins and we had a blast. We’d play, run, and I even learned to shoot from a second cousin there one year. After that, we’ll run off into the woods, set up tin cans, and shoot to our heart’s delight.
Food, as you might imagine, for that many people was pretty stupendous. We’d all bring food, and Grandma would have been cooking for days. The sideboard would groan under the weight of all the food. Desserts would cover the beds in one of the “children’s bedrooms”- sweet potato, pumpkin, apple, cherry, cakes, cookies- it was a veritable store of delights for us kids.
Being proper children of the 1950’s, we waited until the adults got their food, then it was our turn, and we loaded up. I loved Grandma’s cornbread dressing, so I’d load it up-not sure I got much of anything else from the “first serving”- maybe a little turkey, if any white meat was left from all the adults (Grandma would cook a HUGE turkey.) The adults would sit around the living room, talking about the “old days.” The kids got the porch, which we loved. We’d eat, play jacks and eavesdrop on the parents. That is how I learned that they couldn’t afford dolls, but Uncle Charlie had beautiful blonde curls as a little one, and they’d dress him up like a doll and play with him as if he was their baby doll. (Explains a lot!) I learned that Grandma always told Mom NOT to ride horses with her friends, but the ONE TIME she forgot to remind Mom about that, Mom rode. The horse bolted, run under a limb, Momma didn’t duck, got knocked off and out. Talk about instant Karma! (That is one of the things I seem to have inherited from her.) Everyone would eat, and then take a little nap, and then eat again. Then it was time to wash dishes- no dish washer in those days, and even so, it would have taken a dishwasher of momentous proportions for all those dishes. We’d routinely have 40-60 people at these holiday dinners. So, the kids were the dishwashers. I was one of the younger kids, we’d make ourselves scare when that time came! My oldest sister and cousins usually got that duty (and got mad at us for disappearing.)
From those experiences, I thought everyone had huge amounts of food- the sort that put Luby’s selection to shame” for holidays. The first time I shared a holiday with Mark’s family, I was shocked. It was an Easter. In the middle of the table was a small ham, looking like we MIGHT get a very small slice each, a bowl of English Peas and Broccoli/rice casseroles and a salad. That was IT- the counters weren’t groaning under the weight of hundreds of pounds of different types of food, just this little bit. Of course, his family was also in much better physical shape than much of mine- that could explain it! I sort of kept looking around for more selections, but there were none- to be polite, I had to eat English peas and broccoli casserole- two things that had not previously passed my lips. I managed to get them down (hunger had a lot to do with that, too,) and that was my first realization that my family might do things a bit differently.
Now days, Grandma and her wonderful old house are long gone, my parents have been gone more than 20 years, and Mark’s parents, too. We usually have a quiet Thanksgiving with just our immediate family, although we love to have company, especially international students. It is fun to explain the traditions of Thanksgiving, but this year I didn’t get involved with the new international students at UT, so no students at our table this time. Some neighbors may come, if they don’t go to see their family in another state.
I’m interested in what your traditions are? What do you serve? I usually cook the following: Turkey (roasted in a roaster like my Mom did), dressing that is as close to her (and Grandma’s) recipe as I can find, SW succotash (adapted from a recipe from Gourmet Magazine), sweet potatoes with jalapeno jelly, red Jell-O salad like Mom used to make (minus the marshmallows because neither Mark nor I like them) and pumpkin pie. I usually do the exact same recipes at Christmas, but am considering changing slightly this year-maybe my wild rice dressing rather than cornbread.
Will this be considered sacrilege, or will there be sighs of relief that we don’t have to eat cornbread dressing for several other meals after? (I can’t make a small dish of cornbread dressing.)
Please, share your menus and traditions. If you’ve got a recipe you want to share, feel free to post that, too.
This holiday that is one of our most family centered one is coming up and the stress levels are building. How do you make it “perfect?” CAN you make it “perfect?” WHY try to make it “perfect?”
As a child, we’d get up, pile into the car and go to Grandma’s house over in Merryville, LA. It was about an 1 ½ drive, but we knew how much fun we’d have- cousins galore to play with, chickens to chase, and it was something we looked forward to.
Grandma’s house was the same house my Mom grew up in- 3 bedrooms- one was their parent’s, one was the boys’ rooms and one was the girls’ rooms (a total of 10 kids from 4 different “eras”- Grandpa Bean was married, had Uncle John Dee. His wife died, he married Grandma, and they had Momma and Uncle Jim. He died in 1919 of pneumonia, she married Grandpa Riggs. He’d been married before and had 3 kids, Uncle Tommy, Aunt Alice and Uncle Bob, and then Curry and Grandpa Riggs had Aunt Elaine, Aunt Atch, Aunt Penny, Uncle Charles & Aunt Linda, so the bedrooms looked more like dorms than our little bedrooms in our home in Woodville.:)
You can imagine, with so many kids, we had many cousins and we had a blast. We’d play, run, and I even learned to shoot from a second cousin there one year. After that, we’ll run off into the woods, set up tin cans, and shoot to our heart’s delight.
Food, as you might imagine, for that many people was pretty stupendous. We’d all bring food, and Grandma would have been cooking for days. The sideboard would groan under the weight of all the food. Desserts would cover the beds in one of the “children’s bedrooms”- sweet potato, pumpkin, apple, cherry, cakes, cookies- it was a veritable store of delights for us kids.
Being proper children of the 1950’s, we waited until the adults got their food, then it was our turn, and we loaded up. I loved Grandma’s cornbread dressing, so I’d load it up-not sure I got much of anything else from the “first serving”- maybe a little turkey, if any white meat was left from all the adults (Grandma would cook a HUGE turkey.) The adults would sit around the living room, talking about the “old days.” The kids got the porch, which we loved. We’d eat, play jacks and eavesdrop on the parents. That is how I learned that they couldn’t afford dolls, but Uncle Charlie had beautiful blonde curls as a little one, and they’d dress him up like a doll and play with him as if he was their baby doll. (Explains a lot!) I learned that Grandma always told Mom NOT to ride horses with her friends, but the ONE TIME she forgot to remind Mom about that, Mom rode. The horse bolted, run under a limb, Momma didn’t duck, got knocked off and out. Talk about instant Karma! (That is one of the things I seem to have inherited from her.) Everyone would eat, and then take a little nap, and then eat again. Then it was time to wash dishes- no dish washer in those days, and even so, it would have taken a dishwasher of momentous proportions for all those dishes. We’d routinely have 40-60 people at these holiday dinners. So, the kids were the dishwashers. I was one of the younger kids, we’d make ourselves scare when that time came! My oldest sister and cousins usually got that duty (and got mad at us for disappearing.)
From those experiences, I thought everyone had huge amounts of food- the sort that put Luby’s selection to shame” for holidays. The first time I shared a holiday with Mark’s family, I was shocked. It was an Easter. In the middle of the table was a small ham, looking like we MIGHT get a very small slice each, a bowl of English Peas and Broccoli/rice casseroles and a salad. That was IT- the counters weren’t groaning under the weight of hundreds of pounds of different types of food, just this little bit. Of course, his family was also in much better physical shape than much of mine- that could explain it! I sort of kept looking around for more selections, but there were none- to be polite, I had to eat English peas and broccoli casserole- two things that had not previously passed my lips. I managed to get them down (hunger had a lot to do with that, too,) and that was my first realization that my family might do things a bit differently.
Now days, Grandma and her wonderful old house are long gone, my parents have been gone more than 20 years, and Mark’s parents, too. We usually have a quiet Thanksgiving with just our immediate family, although we love to have company, especially international students. It is fun to explain the traditions of Thanksgiving, but this year I didn’t get involved with the new international students at UT, so no students at our table this time. Some neighbors may come, if they don’t go to see their family in another state.
I’m interested in what your traditions are? What do you serve? I usually cook the following: Turkey (roasted in a roaster like my Mom did), dressing that is as close to her (and Grandma’s) recipe as I can find, SW succotash (adapted from a recipe from Gourmet Magazine), sweet potatoes with jalapeno jelly, red Jell-O salad like Mom used to make (minus the marshmallows because neither Mark nor I like them) and pumpkin pie. I usually do the exact same recipes at Christmas, but am considering changing slightly this year-maybe my wild rice dressing rather than cornbread.
Will this be considered sacrilege, or will there be sighs of relief that we don’t have to eat cornbread dressing for several other meals after? (I can’t make a small dish of cornbread dressing.)
Please, share your menus and traditions. If you’ve got a recipe you want to share, feel free to post that, too.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
While I don't intend to write exclusively about adoption issues, this IS National Adoption Month, so........ This is a time to focus on building families through adoption. Our family is one made whole by adoption. Recently, there has been much controversy about international adoption, which is how our family came together. Our daughter is from Guatemala.
UNICEF, believe it or not, is one of the strongest voices in getting international adoption closed down in many countries. Their mantra “a child should grow up in his or her birth family and birth culture” is one that, in a perfect world, would make a lot of sense. In fact, I can wholeheartedly agree with that statement, but only when there is a just world, and, as you know, we’re FAR from a just world at this point.
Adoption plans are made for many reasons. When I was in high school (way back in another century,) if an unmarried girl or woman got pregnant, and the pregnancy was carried to term, an adoption took place. Unmarried moms didn’t raise children. That was due not only to the toughness of raising a child on one’s own, but also due to the social stigma of having a child out of wedlock. That stricture still applies in a great many other countries (I saw a stat that said something like 90% of the adoptions from Korea came from unmarried moms there.) Divorce was rare 30 years ago, so two parent families were the rule, and few people could imagine intentionally raising a child on one’s own. Things have certainly changed in the US- 50% of marriages end in divorce, many times people who thought they’d be raising a child with a spouse or significant other find themselves abandoned and raising children alone, so here, raising a child unmarried no longer carries the social stigma it once did, but it IS still very hard. Single parents who don’t have extended family to help often really struggle to raise their children. Domestic adoption from those who made an adoption plan during pregnancy is way down.
The majority of domestic adoptions now are from foster care, where children have been removed from their homes for a variety of reasons. It could be as simple as neglect, or as awful as sexual abuse. I’ve had friends adopt through Child Protective Services (CPS), which is free, by the way, and I’ve got a friend who is currently trying to adopt through CPS. Here’s the problem I have with that- CPS seems hell-bent on reuniting families, which, while noble, is just not always the best for the children. CPS sees children as something that “belongs” to a biological family. I see children as a gift from God, to be protected and loved. IF that can be in the biological family, that is great, but if not, there are literally thousands of people in the world who want to raise a child, who will love and nurture that child, who won’t neglect or abuse the child. NO child deserves to be treated like a commodity and ping ponged back and forth between foster home and bio home. I’ve got a very hard stance here- if I was empress of the world, when someone abused a child (and I don’t mean just a spanking, but true harmful abuse), there would be no second chance. Children deserve to be loved and nurtured, period! I salute those of you who are foster parents to these children, but the craziness of taking children out of bad situations, spending a few months in foster care, then thinking the parents have “changed” and putting them back and then yanking them out again a few months later. Children should not be yo-yoed, but they’re still treated like a commodity that belongs to those who produced them, and that is not always in their best interests. There is a significant number of youths who are homeless who were foster kids, bounced around and having no permanent home. Where do they go when they age out of the foster care system? The streets are often one of their alternatives.
Now, to international adoption, which, just as in domestic infant adoption, has had some fraud, and even one fraudlent adoption is too many, but to shut down this avenue of hope for so many because of a guilty few is just wrong, INHO. We lost our first referred child when it turned out that the woman who presented her as the biological mother was actually no biological kin at all. The US has long required DNA tests of the child and mother, and this one proved that they were not biologically related. The Department of Minors in Guatemala took little Flor de Maria, and told us that we had “no legal right” to know anything about where she was taken. The woman was taken into custody, but nothing happened to the attorney or to the agency and that is where the problem is. I have long maintained that if agencies were told that if they worked with an unethical attorney, both the attorney and agency would lose the ability to process adoptions that that country for one year the first time, and, if there was a second time, it would be a lifelong ban by the US Embassy (which processes most of the adoptions in the world) to the agency, any of the principles in the agency (meaning they couldn’t simply change their name and keep working) and for any attorneys in the firm. That threat to their livelihood would have stopped fraud, but the Embassy wasn’t willing to do that. They’d give a little 2 or 3 month ban to an attorney, but the other attorneys in the office could continue processing. It is really so frustrating, knowing there are thousands of children who need a family, but whose biological family no longer as the right to make an adoption plan so that their children have a chance at not growing up, for example in Guatemala, in a country with one of the highest under 5 mortality rates in the world, and where on any given year 50% of the children suffer from severe malnutrition, which starves not only their bodies, stunting their physical growth, but also starves their brains, making them mentally disabled. UNICEF says that poverty shouldn't be a reason for adoption, and again, if it was a perfect world, I'd agree. However, the US helped to facilitate a vicious 36 year civil war in Guatemala, which didn't end til 1998. The country is still struggling, and now is in the grips of drug lords. There is also a very bad drought going on, and subsistence farmers are not being able to grow enough to feed their families. Children are the ones suffering the most.
I’ve got friends in Guatemala with a medical clinic; they say that women frequently come to them with their babies and small children, asking them if they can get them adopted into the US, although he has never been involved in adoptions. They’re seeing their children starve before their eyes, and they want something better for them, but that “better” is no longer available to them. There is much racism in Guatemala towards “browner” people, and I have to wonder how much that plays into this. In India, there was a woman working very hard to stop adoptions there, who was quoted as saying something to the effect of “what right do these lower caste children have to a better life?” Hard to believe, isn’t it?
When we met our daughter’s biological mothers, she thanked us over and over for adopting our daughter. She talked about how her daughters still in Guatemala could never even dream of the life that this daughter had. Her older daughters had been born at home, and she couldn’t afford the few dollars it took to register them, so according to the law, they didn’t exist, which meant they couldn’t even go to school (if they could find the clothes and shoes for it.) We gave them the money to register the girls and told her we hoped she got them into school, but we don’t know for sure if that happened. When you’re struggling to survive every moment, it is hard to plan for the difference having an education will make in the future.
I was reading on an anti-adoption site the other day and it just makes me so sad. A comment was made about “the big lie” that adoptions are happy occasions, but it isn’t a big lie- it is a part of the truth- it is a happy occasion when a child comes to parents who are prepared to parent and to love, and also sad for the mother who may never see that child again, but who has chosen adoption for a “better life” for the child. Too many parents are not willing to be open and honest about their adoption. Our daughter met her birth family when she was 4 years old. We’ve always had a photo of her and her bio mom in her room; along with one of her and her foster mom and sister (they raised her from 2 days old to 8 mo.) I’ve had people ask me if we’re going to tell her she is adopted. HELLO! It is pretty darn apparent she isn’t our bio child, and I’m always stunned when I’m asked, not only for that obvious reason, but because I can’t imagine not telling her, even if she looked like us. We include her birth family in our prayers every night, and she will sometimes talk about her birth family, and how she wants to study hard in Spanish class so that she can talk to her sisters directly when we get to see them the next time. Another friend of mine who adopted from Columbia and Guatemala put it best when talking about whether to meet the birth family or not. Leceta said “you can’t have too much love” and I can’t agree more.
When an adoption takes place, there is much sorrow as well as joy, but I can’t help but think of the baby in the Bible when King Solomon discerned who was the actual mother of a child by telling his soldier to cut the baby in half to give each mother claiming it some. The mother who had borne the child said to give the whole baby to the other mother, rather than to harm him. Adoption is like that- whether it is because the bio family can’t nurture the child because of poverty or other reasons (sometimes a new man in the house and he doesn’t want his money to feed some other man’s children), they are giving the whole child to another so that, not only will the child not be harmed, but that the child will have a chance at a better life. It isn’t that they don’t love their child; it is often that they love them so much they’re willing to sacrifice having them in their arms to give them a shot at a life where their talents can be nurtured. That is love greater than most of us have. When we contacted our daughter’s bio mom and sent her photos of our family, she said she was so excited- she’d never expected to hear from us, and although she prayed every day that this daughter would be safe and loved, she just didn’t know. She kept thanking God for allowing her to see our (and in her and us) child again and in getting to see how healthy and loved she is. It was a tough meeting, lots of tears, (from her and me,) but it was a good kind of tears. She knows first hand how much we love our daughter, and our daughter knows first hand she was relinquished out of love, not because she wasn’t wanted. That’s important.
Sometimes children are cruel- saying things like "you're adopted because your "REAL" parents didn't want you!" First of all, please teach your children that we are the REAL parents- there is nothing artificial about me- I hold her when she cries, we snuggle when we watch movies, we celebrate good things and commiserate about bad ones. She has a first family, who lives in Guatemala. Some folks call them "birth families" or "biological families" or "first families"- all are correct. "Real" however, is not! Also teach your children that adoption is a gift, as surely as their birth to you was. It isn't about "not wanting", but, rather, about wanting "better" for their children. Whether it is the teen who isn't prepared to be a parent now, or the family in China who isn't allowed to have that second child, or the family in an AIDs-sticken country in Africa who wants their young relative to be raised in a family rather than an orphanage, or the mother who simply can't afford to feed another child, and sees better opportunities for that child elsewhere, as painful as it will be to the first mother, it is about making a better life for the children. Some people do that by immigrating to a country with more opportunities (legally or not.) Sadly, as adoption closes is so much of the world, immigration to other countries may become the only way for that better life. Teach your children that adoption is about love- the love of the first family to provide a more stable home for their child, and the love of the forever family, who brings this child into our homes, born not of our bodies, but of our hearts.
People often say "bless you for adopting", but, believe me (most days, anyway) she is a much bigger blessing to us that we could ever be for her!
As we celebrate National Adoption Month, I hope that you will read some of the wonderful adoption books to your children. They help to explain that it is just another way to build a family, one that gets to have more people who love that child. While adoption is about loss, it is also about growth and gaining a whole new family to love the child. When we're honest with our children, we can help them navigate the loss pathway, and hopefully help them come out stronger and more sure of the love they hold from both their first family and their forever family.
UNICEF, believe it or not, is one of the strongest voices in getting international adoption closed down in many countries. Their mantra “a child should grow up in his or her birth family and birth culture” is one that, in a perfect world, would make a lot of sense. In fact, I can wholeheartedly agree with that statement, but only when there is a just world, and, as you know, we’re FAR from a just world at this point.
Adoption plans are made for many reasons. When I was in high school (way back in another century,) if an unmarried girl or woman got pregnant, and the pregnancy was carried to term, an adoption took place. Unmarried moms didn’t raise children. That was due not only to the toughness of raising a child on one’s own, but also due to the social stigma of having a child out of wedlock. That stricture still applies in a great many other countries (I saw a stat that said something like 90% of the adoptions from Korea came from unmarried moms there.) Divorce was rare 30 years ago, so two parent families were the rule, and few people could imagine intentionally raising a child on one’s own. Things have certainly changed in the US- 50% of marriages end in divorce, many times people who thought they’d be raising a child with a spouse or significant other find themselves abandoned and raising children alone, so here, raising a child unmarried no longer carries the social stigma it once did, but it IS still very hard. Single parents who don’t have extended family to help often really struggle to raise their children. Domestic adoption from those who made an adoption plan during pregnancy is way down.
The majority of domestic adoptions now are from foster care, where children have been removed from their homes for a variety of reasons. It could be as simple as neglect, or as awful as sexual abuse. I’ve had friends adopt through Child Protective Services (CPS), which is free, by the way, and I’ve got a friend who is currently trying to adopt through CPS. Here’s the problem I have with that- CPS seems hell-bent on reuniting families, which, while noble, is just not always the best for the children. CPS sees children as something that “belongs” to a biological family. I see children as a gift from God, to be protected and loved. IF that can be in the biological family, that is great, but if not, there are literally thousands of people in the world who want to raise a child, who will love and nurture that child, who won’t neglect or abuse the child. NO child deserves to be treated like a commodity and ping ponged back and forth between foster home and bio home. I’ve got a very hard stance here- if I was empress of the world, when someone abused a child (and I don’t mean just a spanking, but true harmful abuse), there would be no second chance. Children deserve to be loved and nurtured, period! I salute those of you who are foster parents to these children, but the craziness of taking children out of bad situations, spending a few months in foster care, then thinking the parents have “changed” and putting them back and then yanking them out again a few months later. Children should not be yo-yoed, but they’re still treated like a commodity that belongs to those who produced them, and that is not always in their best interests. There is a significant number of youths who are homeless who were foster kids, bounced around and having no permanent home. Where do they go when they age out of the foster care system? The streets are often one of their alternatives.
Now, to international adoption, which, just as in domestic infant adoption, has had some fraud, and even one fraudlent adoption is too many, but to shut down this avenue of hope for so many because of a guilty few is just wrong, INHO. We lost our first referred child when it turned out that the woman who presented her as the biological mother was actually no biological kin at all. The US has long required DNA tests of the child and mother, and this one proved that they were not biologically related. The Department of Minors in Guatemala took little Flor de Maria, and told us that we had “no legal right” to know anything about where she was taken. The woman was taken into custody, but nothing happened to the attorney or to the agency and that is where the problem is. I have long maintained that if agencies were told that if they worked with an unethical attorney, both the attorney and agency would lose the ability to process adoptions that that country for one year the first time, and, if there was a second time, it would be a lifelong ban by the US Embassy (which processes most of the adoptions in the world) to the agency, any of the principles in the agency (meaning they couldn’t simply change their name and keep working) and for any attorneys in the firm. That threat to their livelihood would have stopped fraud, but the Embassy wasn’t willing to do that. They’d give a little 2 or 3 month ban to an attorney, but the other attorneys in the office could continue processing. It is really so frustrating, knowing there are thousands of children who need a family, but whose biological family no longer as the right to make an adoption plan so that their children have a chance at not growing up, for example in Guatemala, in a country with one of the highest under 5 mortality rates in the world, and where on any given year 50% of the children suffer from severe malnutrition, which starves not only their bodies, stunting their physical growth, but also starves their brains, making them mentally disabled. UNICEF says that poverty shouldn't be a reason for adoption, and again, if it was a perfect world, I'd agree. However, the US helped to facilitate a vicious 36 year civil war in Guatemala, which didn't end til 1998. The country is still struggling, and now is in the grips of drug lords. There is also a very bad drought going on, and subsistence farmers are not being able to grow enough to feed their families. Children are the ones suffering the most.
I’ve got friends in Guatemala with a medical clinic; they say that women frequently come to them with their babies and small children, asking them if they can get them adopted into the US, although he has never been involved in adoptions. They’re seeing their children starve before their eyes, and they want something better for them, but that “better” is no longer available to them. There is much racism in Guatemala towards “browner” people, and I have to wonder how much that plays into this. In India, there was a woman working very hard to stop adoptions there, who was quoted as saying something to the effect of “what right do these lower caste children have to a better life?” Hard to believe, isn’t it?
When we met our daughter’s biological mothers, she thanked us over and over for adopting our daughter. She talked about how her daughters still in Guatemala could never even dream of the life that this daughter had. Her older daughters had been born at home, and she couldn’t afford the few dollars it took to register them, so according to the law, they didn’t exist, which meant they couldn’t even go to school (if they could find the clothes and shoes for it.) We gave them the money to register the girls and told her we hoped she got them into school, but we don’t know for sure if that happened. When you’re struggling to survive every moment, it is hard to plan for the difference having an education will make in the future.
I was reading on an anti-adoption site the other day and it just makes me so sad. A comment was made about “the big lie” that adoptions are happy occasions, but it isn’t a big lie- it is a part of the truth- it is a happy occasion when a child comes to parents who are prepared to parent and to love, and also sad for the mother who may never see that child again, but who has chosen adoption for a “better life” for the child. Too many parents are not willing to be open and honest about their adoption. Our daughter met her birth family when she was 4 years old. We’ve always had a photo of her and her bio mom in her room; along with one of her and her foster mom and sister (they raised her from 2 days old to 8 mo.) I’ve had people ask me if we’re going to tell her she is adopted. HELLO! It is pretty darn apparent she isn’t our bio child, and I’m always stunned when I’m asked, not only for that obvious reason, but because I can’t imagine not telling her, even if she looked like us. We include her birth family in our prayers every night, and she will sometimes talk about her birth family, and how she wants to study hard in Spanish class so that she can talk to her sisters directly when we get to see them the next time. Another friend of mine who adopted from Columbia and Guatemala put it best when talking about whether to meet the birth family or not. Leceta said “you can’t have too much love” and I can’t agree more.
When an adoption takes place, there is much sorrow as well as joy, but I can’t help but think of the baby in the Bible when King Solomon discerned who was the actual mother of a child by telling his soldier to cut the baby in half to give each mother claiming it some. The mother who had borne the child said to give the whole baby to the other mother, rather than to harm him. Adoption is like that- whether it is because the bio family can’t nurture the child because of poverty or other reasons (sometimes a new man in the house and he doesn’t want his money to feed some other man’s children), they are giving the whole child to another so that, not only will the child not be harmed, but that the child will have a chance at a better life. It isn’t that they don’t love their child; it is often that they love them so much they’re willing to sacrifice having them in their arms to give them a shot at a life where their talents can be nurtured. That is love greater than most of us have. When we contacted our daughter’s bio mom and sent her photos of our family, she said she was so excited- she’d never expected to hear from us, and although she prayed every day that this daughter would be safe and loved, she just didn’t know. She kept thanking God for allowing her to see our (and in her and us) child again and in getting to see how healthy and loved she is. It was a tough meeting, lots of tears, (from her and me,) but it was a good kind of tears. She knows first hand how much we love our daughter, and our daughter knows first hand she was relinquished out of love, not because she wasn’t wanted. That’s important.
Sometimes children are cruel- saying things like "you're adopted because your "REAL" parents didn't want you!" First of all, please teach your children that we are the REAL parents- there is nothing artificial about me- I hold her when she cries, we snuggle when we watch movies, we celebrate good things and commiserate about bad ones. She has a first family, who lives in Guatemala. Some folks call them "birth families" or "biological families" or "first families"- all are correct. "Real" however, is not! Also teach your children that adoption is a gift, as surely as their birth to you was. It isn't about "not wanting", but, rather, about wanting "better" for their children. Whether it is the teen who isn't prepared to be a parent now, or the family in China who isn't allowed to have that second child, or the family in an AIDs-sticken country in Africa who wants their young relative to be raised in a family rather than an orphanage, or the mother who simply can't afford to feed another child, and sees better opportunities for that child elsewhere, as painful as it will be to the first mother, it is about making a better life for the children. Some people do that by immigrating to a country with more opportunities (legally or not.) Sadly, as adoption closes is so much of the world, immigration to other countries may become the only way for that better life. Teach your children that adoption is about love- the love of the first family to provide a more stable home for their child, and the love of the forever family, who brings this child into our homes, born not of our bodies, but of our hearts.
People often say "bless you for adopting", but, believe me (most days, anyway) she is a much bigger blessing to us that we could ever be for her!
As we celebrate National Adoption Month, I hope that you will read some of the wonderful adoption books to your children. They help to explain that it is just another way to build a family, one that gets to have more people who love that child. While adoption is about loss, it is also about growth and gaining a whole new family to love the child. When we're honest with our children, we can help them navigate the loss pathway, and hopefully help them come out stronger and more sure of the love they hold from both their first family and their forever family.
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